Some of us face peril at Thanksgiving and Christmas. And at other times when we gather with friends and family at the dinner table or in the living room. The peril is that someone may set off a firestorm. By spitting out words that are as incendiary as Molotov cocktails. Examples include: Trump, Judge Kavanaugh, […]
Some of us face peril at Thanksgiving and Christmas. And at other times when we gather with friends and family at the dinner table or in the living room.
The peril is that someone may set off a firestorm. By spitting out words that are as incendiary as Molotov cocktails. Examples include: Trump, Judge Kavanaugh, Trump, border wall, Trump, illegal immigrants, Trump, pipe bombs, Trump, fake news, Trump, etc.
Comments incite snarky remarks, which lead to accusations — which light a fuse to insults. Next thing you know, the air is filled with projectiles likes Brussels sprouts. Aunt Myrtle mutters, “Swine!” and accidentally slops red wine down mouthy Fred’s shirtfront. And somebody spikes your partner’s pudding with a chocolate laxative.
Unafraid of mixing analogies, I humbly offer oil to calm troubled waters. This works, so long as everyone follows a few simple rules.
Suppose a contentious issue flares. Curmudgeon Jack and razor-tongued Aunt Til have broached the dangerous subject of climate change. Snarls of “Absolute rubbish!” and “Idiot denier!” erupt from their end of the table. Supporters of both sides chip in.
If you can call a brief truce, here is how you prevent a bonfire. You set a few rules. Each person can speak for one full minute — or two. Whatever. The person can speak for that amount of time. No one may interrupt. No one can lob in remarks. All must hold their tongues until the time is up.
Now the next combatant may speak. For one minute. With no interruptions. When all have spoken, any one may speak for thirty seconds. To rebut anything that was said by another.
If people feel they should battle on, repeat the drill. One minute more for everyone. No interruptions allowed.
I have seen this work wonders with a group ready to lop off each other’s heads.
There are a few reasons why this works.
First, you hate to be interrupted. Just when you are about to make your best point, some SOB shouts you down, saying “Ah, but what about the satellite readings, you idiot. You’ve been glugging the Kool-Aid.” Under this routine, you get to make your points. And nobody cuts you short. You get a mighty good feeling when opponents shut their mouths and listen to what you have to say.
Second, I know you listen. You are perfect. But when we argue, most of us usually don’t listen. We are so intent on saying or shouting our piece we ignore the other guy’s point of view. People who listen and consider before replying? You might find them in novels. In real life, they are in short supply.
Under the no-interruption rule, suddenly, you have people like yourself, free to express themselves. Free to make their points fully, uninterrupted. And you have people who listen to what the other folks say. It’s like a miracle.
And then you have the smaller voices. The people who usually don’t dare speak up in a tumultuous discussion — because someone will insult them. “Shut up, Sam. You’re too drunk to know what the hell your talkin’ about.” Under this system, the little guys get to speak; they get to be heard. Wow.
Meanwhile, consider the folks who usually flee to the kitchen to avoid the nastiness and Brussels sprouts. When the discussion is polite, they are more likely to remain.
And everyone gets to go home saying or thinking, “I guess I told them a thing or two!” Pure satisfaction.
You hear complaints that we are no longer civil with each other. Well, that is because we aren’t. We take our lead from the insults we hear spokespeople fling at each other in “discussions” on TV.
But those people are paid big money to insult. They are not paid to say, “You make a good point. People on my side of the issue would do well to consider it before…” Nah, they are paid to go for the jugular. And they do with comments like this: “You’re reading deceitful talking points that failed in the last election.” “Well, when I hear that coming from a racist…”
Next time you face the perils of un-civil discussion, try the above strategy. It will calm everyone. Guarantee it.
But just in case, do keep an eye on the pudding.
From Tom…as in Morgan.
Tom Morgan writes about political, financial, and other subjects from his home in upstate New York. He has a new novel out, called “The Last Columnist,” which is available on Amazon. Contact Tom at tomasinmorgan@yahoo.com, read more of his writing at tomasinmorgan.com, or find him on Facebook.