Marlboro Man Lassos Southwestern Jet

Surely you must feel safer after you recently read or heard that a Southwest Airlines pilot made an emergency landing to protect his passengers. This was after a passenger lit a cigarette in a bathroom. 

Yes, the pilot aborted a flight from Los Angeles to San Francisco. He landed at San Jose after the smoker and smoking were discovered. There was no suggestion the smoker was touching off a bomb in his shoe. We are left to believe that second-hand smoke — and the breaking of rules — was the horrible problem.

Upon landing, the smoker was handcuffed and marched off to jail. His fellow passengers were placed on other aircraft.

Whew, that was a close call. Imagine how damaged the lungs of those passengers would have been if the guy had lit a cigar? Why, the plane would probably have toppled from the sky.

Maybe like me, you hope Amtrak got the message. I am waiting for the Acela to screech to a halt at Podunkville, New Jersey — after another smoker tries the same dangerous trick. 

Wait for it: “Greyhound passengers stranded in Kookamonga after fanatic lights up during bus trip. Bus being fumigated before EPA will allow it to return to service.” 

Carnival Cruise ship returns to port after cigarette butt discovered in corridor. Passenger tells police she was so upset by discovery she nearly jumped overboard.

Notice to all guests of the hotel: All bedrooms must be evacuated due to the discovery of cigarette ash in a waste basket in one of our rooms. You will be relocated to another hotel during fumigation of this facility.

You get the message.

You should file the Southwest story in the same file as the “lingerie” incident from a few months ago. You remember. On a crowded elevator, a British prof was asked what floor he wanted. He mumbled “Ladies’ lingerie” and all hell broke loose. Other profs were devastated. Some wanted to drum the letch out of academia.

File it with various dispatches from the political-correctness front. For example: A Midwest university’s Inclusive Excellence Center cautions us about mouthing terms like “Soup Nazi.” Because this would mean we minimize the Holocaust. And whoa, dude, don’t you dare say “third world” or “thug” or “lame” or “man up” or “are you deaf?” You would have trod on the sensitivities of various innocents.

The New York Post’s Kyle Smith recently warned us of such political correctness. Don’t let them catch you saying, “blind spot” or “blind alley.” Or “crazy,” “psycho,” or “schizo.” One big university spent thousands warning students to never say something like “I took one look at the exam and wanted to die.” You see, suicidal folks would find this offensive.

As I suggested earlier, you might do best to file all this stuff together. Then bundle up the file and send it off to the Museum of the Absurd. Wait, Don’t go there. The word museum derives from a temple of the Muses. They were all male. Not allowed today. They were probably dirty old men.

Best to burn the file, I guess. And don’t tell anyone. After all, “fire” derives from the German “Feuer.” And that is uncomfortably close to Fuhrer. Which would dump you into the soup. You know, the Nazi Soup. 

In your dilemma you might try to flee to Acapulco, to escape it all. Only to find yourself in San Jose. In a no-smoking zone. 

From Tom…as in Morgan.                 

Tom Morgan writes about political, financial, and other subjects from his home in upstate New York. You can write to Tom at tomasinmorgan@yahoo.com. You can read more of his writing at tomasinmorgan.com